Just about every day, it hits me: I went public with this. Everyone who knows me, everyone on my Facebook list, anyone who reads my blogs, my neighbors, my kid's teachers, my boss, my former classmates, they all know the secret I've kept for years. Some have known much longer than others. But it's all out there now. The voice in my head criticizes my decision. "You should have kept your mouth shut. This is so embarrassing. You can never hide. This will follow you forever." I get a sense of panic. Oh my God. What must people think of me? I know what some think because some say whatever pops into their head. That is almost better than wondering what people are thinking. I've heard everything from, "I wish I had that!" to, "But you don't look that skinny." I've heard, "Put Kristy in front of it. She'll eat anything!" to, "Oh you look great! Are you trying to lose weight?" I've even had a physician say, "Lift up your shirt. You look fine." And another tell me, "You're going to die." I have heard it all. It is still much worse wondering what people are thinking and not saying out loud.
So why did I "come out" about this anyway? Why not just keep the secret? Looking back, I guess it just sort of...happened. Two years ago I had to take a leave of absence from work for an undetermined amount of time. I was being sent to a hospital halfway across the country. I had no idea how long I would be there but the average was about 6-8 weeks. I ended up staying there for 3 months. I figured it was better to start letting people know why I left town. There had to be a reason why I was away all summer. Why I wouldn't be taking my kids to their first day of school. Why I never showed up to cub scout meetings. My husband had to take time off from work. My parents and in-laws had to take the kids for weeks at a time. I knew the rumors would start flying. People would think I left my husband and kids. People might think I had a drug or alcohol problem. People might assume I had some other disease. I didn't want to put the pressure on my family to lie for me. So the truth came out. More so than I initially wanted. I posted a letter to all those I thought really needed to know. Friends, family, co-workers. Some knew already but most did not. Word spread and I became more and more open and comfortable with honesty.
When I fist opened up about this I was surprised at the response. I felt so much love, compassion, support. Some friends became closer. A few, more distant. It was a truly eye-opening experience to find out who really wanted to be a part of my life. Others started sharing. They knew someone else. They didn't know anyone else. They had a sister, a friend, a mother who had bulimia, anorexia, binge eating disorder. I talked to people all over who struggled with food in one way or another. This natural, basic need has turned into a big problem for so many people. I met others like me. I met families like mine. I was not alone. Sure, some didn't have much to say to me or took a step back. But for the most part, opening up was the most beautiful way to find out who and what was important in my life.
There are times when I wish I didn't have this plastered out there. I sometimes think that the disorder is all people see when they look at me. Do people see that I am creative, funny, smart, and basically just pretty awesome? Or do they just see Kristy, the loud-mouth anorexic chick who just wants attention? I'll never truly know what others see in me. I suppose it only matters how I see myself. I try to focus on who I want to be and the journey I have been on. When I get asked for help, when I hear stories from others, I know I did the right thing by being open. Honest. Me.
-Live on,
-Kristy
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