Oh...I Am So Going.

I had a wake-up call yesterday.  I was sitting in "D's" office (my dietician) and I was irritated about something my husband had told me last week.  If I don't get my crap together quick, I might not be allowed to board the plane to Australia in three weeks.  What the #$%*?  Now I know he didn't come up with this on his own.  "Dr. H" must have planted this in his head last week when he saw her.  I was hopping mad!  Or rather, my ED was.  Just wait until I get in a room with "Dr. H."  I am going to give her a piece of my mind.  But after talking with "D" a few minutes she explained their combined concerns.  She gently informed me it would not be ethical for them, as professionals, to let someone who was sick slip through and board a plane for a huge trip with a clean bill of health.  Reality check Kristy.

I hate to admit this but...they are right.

While the airline will not let people fly who are too ill, there is no way in this situation for the airline to know if I am too sick to fly or not.  That's not really the point though.  "D" really had me thinking yesterday.  What kind of trip do I want to have?  How long have I wanted to do this?  Didn't this illness take this opportunity away from me before?  Do I want to be sick on this wonderful adventure?  Do I want to be dizzy, shaky, fainting or more susceptible to other illnesses?  HELL NO!  In three weeks a lot can go wrong in this disease as I have seen first hand.  I have got to get it going in the right direction.  I refuse to let this ED take something else away from me.

My dear, sweet husband also shared his fears with me.  I could see the emotion he often tries to hide written all over his face.  He told me he was afraid to let me go in the state I am in.  I am not only going without him, I am solely responsible for our son.  Who is going to be there if I am too confused to figure things out?  What is my 9 year old going to do if I pass out?  It's all on me.  I need to get well not only for myself, but so I can safely get our son to the other side of the world and back.  I have got to make my health my number one priority.  I've got to be the grown-up.

So, "D" put me back on a strict meal plan that I simply must follow.  And, I am all over this.  I made breakfast my bitch.  I licked lunch.  Dinner is a done deal.  This is happening.  I have to say, while eating my egg, toast and berries this morning I was cranky as all hell.  I think I told my poor husband to go eff off (don't worry, he can handle it) when he came to see how I was doing.  He patted my shoulder in encouragement.  After 16 years of this, off and on, he knows that my ED is the one who is angry, not the real me.  After breakfast I felt..well...freakin' great actually!  I was excited, energized (imagine that?) and motivated.  This trip could be a triggering point (see last blog post Fear of Flying) but this can also be a catalyst for something good.  I am going to fight for this.  I want this for me.  I want to live life.  In ED there is no life.  Only emptiness, loss, and loneliness.  Screw that!  I am going to Australia a healthy sheila.  Watch me!