Fear of Flying

My dad has worked for one of the biggest airplane manufacturers in the world for the last 30 years.  He is always trustworthy, extremely intelligent and kind.  And yet, when he has tried to scientifically explain how a huge, metal tube with wings can soar thought the clouds effortlessly, my mind shuts him down.  Nope.  Nothing that big should be hurtling through the air.  It's just...well...not right.  For me it defies nature.  It is wrong.

I have to bring myself and my son aboard one of these blasted things in three weeks.

Not only do I have to calmly sit myself on one of these terrifying tubes, I have to do so without any help of pharmaceuticals or alcoholic beverages.  My 9 year old will be with me for his very first flight.  Mom has got to be cool.  Chill.  Sober.  RELAXED.  I don't want to crush the poor boy's hand during takeoff.  I don't want to turn into a melting pile of anxiety.  I definitely do not want to make him worry right along with me.  He asked me last night if planes crash into the ocean and if anyone has ever died in a plane crash.  Oh &%@#!  I could feel my heart racing as the image of a plane aflame crashes into the icy cold ocean.  Ok, breathe.  Be calm.  Logically I know that the likelihood of my dying in a car-crash is way more plausible than a plane crash.  But a car is at least on the ground already.  The fact that this thing is thousands of feet in the air mocking God is what terrifies me the most.

Bridesmaids, 2011

This will also be the largest jet I have ever been on and my first trip out of the country.  Not only that, but the flight will be so very, very long!  We will be on our way to Australia (where about a million other things could kill me).  Needless to say, there is a lot of anxiety arising with this pending adventure.  I am an anxious person to begin with.  Throw in some stress and you've got a big, hot mess right here.  I've got to get this under control, and quick.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am excited to visit my sister in Australia!  I am sure we are going to have beauty of a time.  This is a trip that many people dream of!  If only I could just turn that part of my brain off that brings up all of the nonsense.  I am not worried about getting bit by a poisonous spider, or a eaten by a shark.  I am not worried about toxic snails or drop bears.  I am worried about a number of other things.  The flight over the vast oceans is only one of my concerns.

What if this huge trip does not live up to all the hype?  People of told me they have wanted to visit Australia their whole lives.  It's on bucket lists and savings plans.  I just get to go.  Largely due to the fact that my sister and bro-in-law paid for my (death) ticket.  Sure, we had to save quite a lot too for our son's passage but for the most part, this should be a pretty stress-free visit.  No need worry about a place to stay or a car or getting lost.  All of that is taken care of.  So why am I so freaked out?

Well here's another big reason:  My inevitable departure (if I live that long of course).  Saying good-bye to my only sister and best friend is extremely hard.  I did not realize just how close we were until she moved there almost three years ago.  It was devastating.  She tries to visit once a year or so but each time we part it is like a scab getting torn back open.  I miss this person.  I want to be with this person.  And she moved across the planet.  I do not see her moving back anytime soon or ever really.  She is extremely happy there and I want her to be as happy as she can be.  I just long for those conversations over coffee that do not transfer well via Skype or text.  I cannot wait to see her.  I am so very blessed to have this amazing opportunity.  I am just going to have to have my band-aids ready for the wound it will surely open when I leave.

There is also a tremendous amount of pressure to get well before I go.  My eating disorder has flared back up a bit in the last couple of months.  I do believe this trip has brought up some issues.  Issues that are easier to deal with by dabbling in my disorder rather than facing my "feelings" about them.  I have got to get this this going the right direction.  Otherwise, my trip could be severely compromised.  I also don't want my sister to see me like this.  I want her to see me healthy and happy and excited!  Not picking at my food and getting light-headed.  Nothing like a little recovery deadline to add some nerves!

As the days tick down I get more and more excited.  Both the good and the bad anxiety.  I know I just need to take one step at a time.  My intelligence will take over and get me from point A to point B to point C and so on.  I just need to take a deep breath, and step aboard.

Food for Thought 


How do you cope with anxiety?

What are your fears?

Any advice for my travels?

-Live on (and no worries mate)
-Kristy