What's in the Bucket?

In my Bucket by Kristy Butler 2013

We've all heard of  the Bucket List right?  For those who are not familiar with the term I will explain.  The Bucket List is a list of all the things you want to do before you "Kick the Bucket" as they say.  What do you want to do in the short amount of time you are here?  There are entire websites dedicated to helping people make this list.  BucketList.org for example gives ideas if you're feeling like your bucket is half empty.  You can also see how others reached their goals and get help with reaching your own.  Making your personal list is fun and so inspiring!

As someone in recovery, it has been helpful to look towards things I want to accomplish other than focusing on what I can't.  Thinking and writing out my bucket list has been so much more rewarding and productive than engaging in my eating disorder behaviors.  Now, some of the items on my list I have already done.  Most I have not.  Some are simple and seem pretty attainable.  I don't think I'll have any problem getting up in a hot air balloon for example.  Many of the items on this list seem next to impossible!  Seeing the Sedlec Ossuary?  Well I would have to go to the Czech Republic for that!  In any case, I challenge you to make your own list!  Here are 50 things I want to do before I die.  I plan to add more as I think of them.  My list might be a lot like yours, or it might be completely different.  Write your own and start marking off the achievements!  #31- Start a Blog....NAILED IT!   

1. Ride in a hot air balloon (and survive.)
2. See the Grand Canyon
3. Be a mother  2003 & 2007
4. Teach someone to read  2008 to current (and if they learn to love it that would be even better!)
5. Teach someone how to ride a bike  2010 to current
6. Save a life
7. Lean a foreign language
8. Learn how to play an instrument
9. Write a children's book (and maybe get it published)
10. Visit Australia (going September 2013)
11. Learn how to meditate
12. Have a house on the beach
13. Learn how to knit  2012
14. Have a chat with a Buddhist Monk
15. Visit The Netherlands
16. Be an extra in a movie
17. Visit the Amazon
18. Learn sign language
19. Speak in front of a crowd
20. Kiss in the rain (husband?  You game?)
21. Learn to stand on my head
22. Attend a Southern Baptist service
23. Go skinny dipping
24. Volunteer for a cause I feel strongly about (looks like I might have an opportunity with NEDA!)
25. Shoot a gun (no, I am not condoning gun use.  I just figure if I am going to have a valid opinion of them, I should shoot one once.)
26. See red lava flow in Hawaii
27. Read my grandmother's Bible
28. Go to the Sedlec Ossuary
29. Go ghost hunting
30. Assist in a crisis
31. Start a blog  2013
32. Learn to drive a stick shift
33. Hold a hummingbird (preferably alive)
34. See all movies that won Academy awards for Best Movie
35. Attend a protest for something I believe in
36. Attend a retreat of silence (basically a retreat where I have to shut the hell up for a few days!)
37. Stop a crime
38. Go to the Taiwan Lantern Festival
39. Visit Bali
40. See the Cristo Redentor in Rio De Janeiro
41. Go on a backpacking trip with my love (like an overnight one)
42. Plant a ginkgo tree and watch it grow over the years   2012
43. Tell a stranger they are beautiful  2012
44. Have a big party with all the people I care about (who's coming?!)
45. Fly a plane (and survive)
46. Hold some one's hand as they pass away
47. Meet the musician, Sting
48. Go to Día de Muertos Festival
49. Grow old with my husband
50. Help someone recover

 Oh, and if any one out there is able to help me reach any of these goals, let me know!

Live on,

-Kristy

I Did and I Do

Marriage has been on my mind lately.  The topic seems to be all around me at the moment.  Beginnings.  Ends.  In the middles.  The arguments about who should be able to marry are in full force in our society at the moment.  It is summer now so there are weddings planned; invitations sent.  The media is crazy with the superficial aspects of dresses and celebrities along with the deeper issues of marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples currently standing in front of the supreme court.  Love is in the air, for some.  And reality is being lived by others.  All of this had me wondering.  Why is it that I am married?  Why is it working for us and not others?  How long will this roommate phase last?  What are we doing right and what are we doing wrong?  So much to contemplate.  Blog?  I DO!

I went to a dear friend's wedding last weekend.  I took my daughter and my husband stayed home with our son.  The wedding was gorgeous.  Perfect.  My gal was stunning and I cried at the sight of it all as I always do at weddings.  The way she and her new husband said their vows, planted a tree, and gazed longingly into each others eyes made me wistful.  Soul mates.  I was there once.  My husband and I met in high school and married shortly after.  We were ridiculously smitten.  I mean that whole, "I can't live without your face!" thing.  I thought about our own wedding almost 16 years ago.  I was terribly sick with anorexia when Don married me.  I can't even bear to look at the few wedding photos we have.  I was a ghost of the woman I am now.  And my love married me anyway.  Throughout the years our relationship as grown and changed.  It has evolved.  Often instead of gazing into each other's eyes and stealing kisses, we are discussing who is going to pick up which kid and who is going to be able to clean the cat box today.  We are, like many others, in the dreaded "roommate phase".  I long for that wedded bliss feeling I saw in my friend the other night.  The absolute joy and the promise of love to one another always.  Although Don and I try very hard to have time to connect, That starting point seems so far away.  We quite simply don't have the time to enjoy each others company as adults.

Where do we go from here?  Don and I talked last night (while being interrupted by kids needing things).  We are still as committed to one another as ever.  We genuinely enjoy each others company.  We make the other smile and laugh.  We just need to make time for us a priority.  So, date nights are being prescribed, one night a week.  Whether it's for a couple of hours or a whole night.  We are doing this.  Not only are we making this commitment for ourselves but our children need to see that we care about our relationship.  What a gift for them to see that mom and dad actually like being around each other!  So a sitter will be found and Don and I will start dating...again.

Some things we plan to do....alone!

Walk through the arboretum
Go to one of the many beaches in our area
Take a ferry boat ride to San Juans
Go to the Brower's Cafe
Explore the Seattle Center (with no kids?  Yes!)
Visit the zoo (seriously?  Yes!)
Long drives
Check out the new Chihuly Museum
Dress up and visit the Seattle Art Museum
Go thrift shopping (one of our most favorite things to do!)
Have a Photography day
Take a tour of Theo's Chocolate
Visit a Farmer's Markets
Cook a great meal together
Go to the ocean (it's been a while)
Take a Hike
Go to one of the many festivals in our area
Visit our friend's bar
Play tennis (we're terrible but that's part of the fun!)
Stroll through an old cemetery (weird, but that's so us.)
Stroll through the Pike Place Market
Have a picnic
Get up in a hot air balloon ride
Take a train ride


Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

Live on!

-Kristy

So Far, in One Month

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present."  

  -Cloud Atlas

 
I have been doing this blog for about a month now.  I am also transferring the material to my Wordpress account: http://motheringme.wordpress.com/  So basically I am running two blogs.  I know!  Dang girl!  I just want to reach as many people as possible and it is going really well!  I am amazed at how many people are actually reading and commenting back to me.  Unfortunately I have discovered if you want to comment on Blogger you have to have an account which many people do not have (another reason why I am also posting in Wordpress).  People I never thought would want to read my blog, are!  It goes out on Facebook and POOF!  Everyone I know pretty much gets a copy of my diary.  SCARY!  Every time I hit the "Publish" button my heart races.  Is this really a good idea?  Do I really want everyone I know reading my stuff?  Is this important?  Relevant?  I start second guessing myself intensely.  Though the fear is overwhelming, (I can't even read something I wrote after I publish) the reaction is just as powerful.

Not only are my musings reaching people, but I feel so incredibly honored that people are sharing their own stories with me.  My goal is not only to step past my own fear, try something new and challenge myself.  I want to help people.  So many others have helped me through my recovery process.  My parents have always been open, kind, patient and involved.  My in-laws have been so accepting and helped me pay for the incredible expense of treatment.  Many of my friends have been so supportive of me.  I got letters and cards while away in treatment.  I have a treatment team who has stood by me and guided me through recovery.  I have an amazing husband who has been with me literally in sickness and in health.  I have let strangers into my life to teach me and take care of me when I could not do it on my own.  With all of this being said, I am so very, very fortunate and thankful.  I do not take any of it for granted.  I feel it is my turn to be that support for others.  I may not be able to do a lot of things, (those who know me know that I cannot bake a damn cake to save my life) but I am able to be a support and lend a helping hand to those who need one.

As I start this journey of advocacy I admit I am afraid.  What if I don't know what to say?  What if I say the wrong thing!?  What if I don't know how to help someone?  I do not have any special powers.  Just because I have walked through this disease does not mean that I have all the answers.  Strategies and coping mechanisms that worked for me might not necessarily work for others.  I do not know the magical combination of words to say to cure someone.  I don't believe anyone has this power.  I do know that I can be a non-judgmental listener.  I have been where many people have been.  I have felt the shame, the fear, the guilt, the emptiness, the fullness.  Nothing is shocking to me in this disease anymore.  I am trustworthy and honest.  These things I have learned about myself through this recovery.

When I reflect on this Mothering Me project I think about how much things have changed in the last month.  I am making specific time for myself in this hectic life I live.  I am writing and jotting things down on a daily basis.  I am exploring similar blogs and reminding myself that I am not alone.  I am opening my mind and using it differently.  I am drawing and actually sharing my art.  Ultimately, I am sharing myself.  It's terrifying, and yet so healing.  I feel even more inspired!  In spite of my fear of hitting that daunting "publish" button, I think I will keep going.  Please feel free to share your thoughts on either of my blogs.  I am loving the feedback.

Live on!

-Kristy

Not About the Hair

 I am sitting at a coffee shop, writing away, when a man comes up and says, "Some hair!"  Now, currently I have very bright, crazy red hair.  I mean it's the color of freakin' beet roots.

Beets.  Pretty much the color of my hair.

I get comments on my hair on almost a daily basis.  Mostly positive responses:  "Love the hair!"  "I wish I could pull that off."  That kind of thing.  I figure those who don't care for it or think it's obnoxious mostly keep those comments to themselves.  That whole, "If you can't say something nice" idea.  This man had me thinking though.  It was hard to know what he meant by "Some hair!"  Was it good hair?  Was it bad hair?  Did I care?  I pondered the thought; why did I color my hair such a conspicuous color?  I came up with the idea of identity and concluded it's not really about the hair specifically.  If only those strangers around me knew the real reasoning behind my vibrant locks.  I felt a blog post forming!

Psychologically speaking, I don't know why some of us have a deep need to have a tangible identity.  For me, I need some way to distinguish my "self" from the billions of other people on this planet.  What I do know now is that for many years I was trying to obtain this sense of self by doing the only thing I knew how to do:  be tiny.  Since I realized at a young age that I would never be the smartest, the prettiest, the richest, the most athletic, the best at this or at that, there was this one thing I knew about myself.  I could be small.  Now this may sound extremely shallow to a great many people out there.  Hell, it sounds shallow when I write it down!  However, contrary to what many people believe, being anorexic is not about being vain.  God knows I was far from attractive when I was at my sickest.  Being anorexic was about many things: control, depression, repressed feelings, self-loathing, attention, wanting to disappear, etc. (I will go into more of these in later posts).  Anorexia also became about sustaining an identity when I didn't feel I had a valid one.  Kristy is thin.  Period.  Even though I didn't always see this in myself when I looked in the mirror, I got the confirmation I needed from others.  "You're so thin."  "I wish I were that skinny." and so on.  All of this helped fuel the fire of my identity crisis.  If I am not thin.  What am I?  Who am I?

In recovery these comments I had grown to need, stopped.  When I reached a healthy weight and I no longer had anorexia as my identity, I still had the need to know who I was.  I am one of 7 billion human beings after all.  So is everyone else.  In treatment many of us were struggling with this dilemma.  Now what?!  We had all been sick for so long that it was impossible to know who we were outside of our disorders.  So began the long task of reaching down deep within myself.  I still knew I could not be many things and I accepted that.  But what was I already?  Who could I be?  This was scary and daunting but I was also hopeful.  Oh the possibilities even for me!  I could see this attempt to redefine identity all around me.  Some of us got piercings.  Many got tattoos.  We colored our hair.  Took up new hobbies.  New identities were being explored.  Some people may judge these attempts to find ourselves as silly or juvenile.  I thought it was beautiful.  There was so much creativity and excitement in those who chose recovery.  We were stretching our wings.  We got to choose something else.

My friend Danielle's recovery tattoo.

So here I sit with my beet red hair shining bright.  To some it is just a hair color.  A silly phase along with my nose ring and this blog.  For me it is much more than that.  I get to try on new options.  I started volunteering.  I am writing.  I am actually accepting that I am artistic.  I started advocacy work.  I have a lot of opinions and I am pretty outspoken.  As for the hair, people often ask me if I will keep it this way.  I will for now.  It is a healthy expression of who I am at the moment.  I'm the gal with the red hair, along with many other things.  That's me!  I am not anorexic.  I am finding myself and my freedom.  What will I discover next?  I can't wait to find out.



Live on!

-Kristy

Proof of Life

"Welcome to the inner workings of my mind" -MS MR

I opened up my blogging journal and turned to the page of The Things I Love.  In the thick of my disorder, life was very black and white.  There was little room for the things I truly care about.  In recovery, I made a random list of moments that brought me back to the land of the living.  I got the idea from reading a book called The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha.  Check it out, it's awesome and hilarious!  Some of those on my list are the same things that just about everybody appreciates:  Sunsets, hot coffee, that kind of cliché stuff.  Now of course there is nothing wrong with those typical things, but what specifically makes us tick?  What gives each of us a sense of peace, comfort, joy, laughter?  What us gives us the proof of life that we all need?  What makes us the same and what makes us different?  We each crave certain things.  What gives me personally the feeling that I am in and of this world?  I would encourage anyone who is in recovery or just having a hard time remembering who they are, to start writing a list of their own list.  Looking at this list and adding things to it really reminds  me of what makes me, me!  Give it a try for yourself!  You may learn some really interesting things about what in this world makes you truly happy.  


Here is my list in no particular order:

• Driving through falling leaves
• Watching my children play when they don't know I'm there
• Sunrises and sunsets
• The sound of silence when it snows
• Listening to beautiful music
• The smell of jack-o-lanterns when they are lit
• The sound of my husband laughing really hard
• Holding hands
• The feeling of sand between my toes
• The Dalai Lama's smile
• The smell and sound of campfires
• The colors of Autumn
• Pretty much any flower
• Sincere hugs (My friend Erica gives the best!)
• Watching the clouds pass over me
• Windstorms
• The sound of my children laughing
• My daughter's beautiful eyes
• My son when he snuggles with me
• Watching birds
• Observing nature in silence
• Thunder and lightening
• Looking in windows at night when I pass by
• The sound of a cat purring 
• Swinging on a swing set
  
• Playing hide-and-seek with children
• Coffee with friends
• Coffee alone
• A great yoga practice
• Singing in my car (and car dancing)
• The sound of  barred owls
• Fresh, clean bedsheets
• Rainy days in a cozy house
• Giving gifts that I made
• The way I feel after a good cry
• The feeling of laughing so hard it hurts
• Feeling really small under the night sky
• Really good chocolate
• Spending a great day with my sister
• Watching the ocean alone
• Sleeping with the window open
• Naps in the middle of the day
• Knowing I married my best friend
• A really good, fresh pain au chocolat 
• Reuniting with loved ones
• My mom and dad when they are laughing together
• Wearing something I feel confident in
• My (unnatural) red hair
• The smell of rain after a dry spell
• A really good find at a thrift store
• Helping someone I care about
• The feeling of soft things under my nose
• The sound of wooden wind chimes
• Watching babies sleep
• Drawing
• Catching a glimpse of a shooting star
• Seeing my parents are still in love
• The feeling I get when my house is clean
• Finding stuff in my coat pocket that I forgot about
• Falafel gyros
• Cooking something that tastes really good
• Watching my garden bloom
• The cold side of the pillow

Food for Thought

What moments make you truly happy and feel alive?

Where you able add anything to your list?


Live on!

-Kristy