Awwww crap. It's happened again. I was just sitting here, bored out of my freaking mind, trying to come up with something that I am looking forward to. What do I have to get excited about? What is going to keep me motivated to stay healthy, happy and optimistic? Come on, what's going on this summer? Fall? I've got to get pumped! What is it? There has got to be something coming up. Anything? The thought smacked me in the face; a whole heaping pile of nothing. Nada. NOTHING! I don't have jack to be excited about. In fact, if anything, I have things coming up that are bound to make me mores stressed than usual. This is always very dangerous. Stress + boredom often = eating disorder behavior. This is true for me anyway. I'm trying to think if I have anything coming up. A trip? An event? Life plans? An adventure? My sister is visiting at the end of August but her trips always come with mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to seeing her but I always think about the unavoidable loss I will encounter when she leaves. And of course her trip back home is more about her than it is about me. What do I have for myself? Ok, now I am feeling selfish. Is that bad?
The only thing I could come up with is my trip back to Australia...in another two years. The saving for this trip is going S-L-O-W. I am feeling discouraged and sad that it is so far off. I don't want to have to wait two years. I need something sooner. I need to make some plans immediately to keep me going. Living life day in and day out the same way is suddenly not doing it for me. So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to keep me grounded and looking forward to the future with excitement. Life is short. What am I going to do?
I dunno. (Insert pouty face here.) Sigh...whine...woe is me.
Perhaps it is time for me to dig out my bucket list and actually complete (or start) some of things on it. I keep getting stuck. I can't. I don't have time. I've got kids to think of. My husband needs me to do this and that. I'm to old to learn, do, try something new. It is time to stop throwing my own pity party. Nobody is showing up to this shit show. It's time to get off my ass. I need to see things I've never seen before. Expose my kids to the world. Try something new! My son is learning how to play guitar. Why can't I learn too? I've wanted to know how to speak Spanish for years. So why am I not learning it? Why am I not actually not doing that photography project I came up with a year ago? Why am I not going to those yoga workshops I have thought about? Can we not take a road trip down the Oregon Coast this year? Why have I not bought those ticket for my son's first rock concert yet?
Something has been holding me back. I have been sabotaging my own plans. Plans I have conjured up on my own. I suddenly don't feel good enough or up to the challenges. Going in and out with the ebb and flow has been easier. Safer. No trying, no failing, right? How boring is that? How boring am I? This is how depression begins for me. It starts off here and goes down hill at an accelerated rate until I am really, really unhappy and sick. At least this time I can notice it. A step in the right direction!
So, my goal tonight after the kids pass out is to have an open discussion with my guy. I need to do something. We need to make some plans and get excited about the next few months. Even better, maybe he'll read this post and know just how much I need this to stay healthy. What is the whole point of it all if there is no excitement or passion? Maybe he's feeling the same way too. Our lives have gotten pretty monotonous and routine. Same shit. Different day. Perhaps it is time for a change.
*Do you ever get stuck in a rut?
*What do you do when life is feeling ordinary and dull?
*How do you motivate yourself?
-Live on!
-Kristy
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