I didn't know it could be done.
The story begins last night. I skipped dinner yesterday because I just was not hungry. I had a bowl of cereal as a snack in the evening but that's about it. Come this morning, I was hangry (hungry enough to make me angry). I ate one hard-boiled egg from the Easter batch we dyed last night. It didn't cut it. I wasn't about to kill anyone anymore but my hunger was definitely not satisfied. On my way in to work I stopped by Starbucks to get a breakfast. I do this pretty regularly but it is almost always a mind-battle: "What do I get? Should I get something healthy? What sounds good? What is good for me? What do I plan to have for the rest of the day? How many calories is in this vs. that? I should get oatmeal. That is healthy. Fruit, grains, protein..." BLAH BLAH BLAH! Today I just drove up and didn't think. I got my usual drink (tall caramel macchiato) and a chocolate croissant. I love them. I haven't had one in a while. It was what sounded good. Gooey, warm, chocolaty. Yum!
I got to work and did my thing. Clocked in, turned on my music, looked for my debit card that I thought I lost again. Sipped my sweet, creamy coffee. And I started nibbling on my croissant. Normally I would scarf that sucker down like it's going to run away from me. After all, I don't know when I am going to have one again. It is sooooo good. So forbidden. So bad. So not allowed in my diet a couple of years ago. And if I did "fail" and eat one, right back up it would have come a few minutes later. Along with some other compensatory actions. Food like that had a power that no food should process. The calories were calculated and the ingredients judged like they had done some terrible crime. Over time, by allowing these types of foods back into my world as only what they are: Food and fuel, the power of them has decreased.
Today I ate my croissant at a normal speed. You know, take a bite. Put the rest down. Chew it. Taste it. Swallow it. It took me much longer to eat it. I chatted with my co-workers, checked my e-mail. Not distracted. Just doing what I wanted to do while eating. When I came down to a couple of bites I was full. Satisfied and happy. No longer hangry, I had a different kind of battle with myself. This time it was, "Do I finish, save or throw away?" Typically that thing would have been gone instantly and I would have wanted more. This time I was listening to my body. Feeding it slowly but not too slowly. I'm full. I don't really have enough to save. l can throw the last couple of bites away. "What? NO! You can't do that! It's precious! Special! There are children starving! You don't know when you will be able to get one of these things again!" Guess what? I can get a chocolate croissant tomorrow if I want one. Yep. Two in a row if that is what I feel like. I tossed the last couple of bites. I have never done that before. I had never even considered it before. If it was something "special," If it was right there in front of me, It was going down. It's been a few years since my food came back up. But the battle in my brain has always been there.
Someone asked me this week what "Normal Eating" is. It's a question many of us who do and even those who don't have disordered eating think about. What is "Normal" anyway?! I love Ellyn Satter's take on it. She explains it so perfectly:
What is Normal Eating?
by Ellyn Satter, MS, RDN, LCSW, BCDNormal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it-not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.
So yeah! I can throw something special away. Or I can eat the whole damn thing! I just have to listen to what my body and soul are needing at that particular moment. I just need to listen to those things rather than all the extra junk going on in my head. If I do this consistently I will be a normal eater and my body will know just what to do.
Live on!
-Kristy
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