Alone on the Stage

I am considering giving my fist public talk on eating disorders and my road to recovery at a wellness conference in June.  I have thought of extending my advocacy work to public speaking for a while.  Perhaps talking with teens at schools.  Or joining a group that supports positive body image and speaking.  Perhaps a panel answering questions on the topic from a patient perspective, along with professional providers.  After all, I already blog, have written my story of hope for the National Eating Disorder Association as well as Hungry for Change UK.  I have been open and honest with family, friends and acquaintances.  I have helped others find treatment that works for them.  I have been an advocate for recovery in many ways for a couple of years.

But this terrifies me.


It's not so much about getting up in front of people.  I was a competitive figure skater as a child and in theater in school.  I have no problem speaking in a crowd.  This is a different kind of fear.  My inner voice tells me I am a fraud.  I have contradicting thoughts.  One says I have never truly experienced an eating disorder.  This is not a new thought.  I have had this argument for years within my own head.  I have invalidated myself even while I was in treatment.  "I don't belong here." I would tell myself while in a locked down eating disorder facility.  I have said straight to my dietician's face, "I don't have an eating disorder."  Then there is this other side that tells me I am not well enough to help others.  Why on Earth should I give a speech on eating disorders when food is still such a battle for me.  How can I have both of these thoughts at the same freakin' time?!  It's all part of the disease of course.  Contradicting facts and lies.  It never makes any real sense.


With all of this doubt, why should I give a talk?  Why should I put my face and my body in front of a crowd to expose myself.  Writing is one thing.  I can hide behind a screen and a keyboard.  I don't have to look people in the eye or answer the tough questions face to face.  Even blogging and "coming out" has been incredibly scary.  I see people at the grocery store who know how messed I have been.  I get texts and e-mails from people asking for my help and opinions.  I have people coming up to me and saying, "I read your blog.  I get it.  I know what you're talking about."  It has been extremely eye-opening to see how wide-spread the problem with food is.  I feel honored that people trust me enough to talk with me.  And I really don't think I would change anything at this point.  I have come to terms with the embarrassment and the shame and turned it into helping others reach out.  Sometimes I just miss the anonymity of being quiet.


So I have a big decision that I pretty much need to make in the next day or so.  Do I get up in front of a crowd and tell my story?  What do I say?  Where do I begin?  How much do share?  What do I hold back?  What if I have to answer hard questions?  What if I don't have the answers?  On the other hand, what if one person, one mom or young girl or husband can relate?  What if I can get one person to seek treatment and live a healthier, happier, more free life?  What if I can get a family member or friend to understand?  Is that worth it to me?  I think it is.  I think my decision has been made.


Live on,


-Kristy