The Lie of the Look

I have to share a deep dark secret with all of you.  Part of this blog is about me being open and honest.  I feel like I have to set a thing or two straight so here goes:  I'm out of shape.  Yes, I said it.  I am not even kidding.  I seriously could not run a mile if zombies were chasing me.  I could not finish an aerobics class if I were getting paid.  I could not go on a hike with any kind of incline if there were a fucking pot of gold at the top.  If I were to try to swim I would be food for the fishes.  And, if you want to see something really funny, stand on the sidelines and watch me try to ride a bike for any amount of time.  I literally fell off my bike and had to walk it up a hill last time I rode.  I hate any kind of organized cardio exercise.  I get whiny, sweaty, out of breath, and my side feels as though someone is stabbing me with a knife (and even if they were, I couldn't run far).  Here is another thing:  I am thin.  Now hear me out.  I do not say this to be offensive to anyone.  I do not mean this to sound as, "I'm thin and I don't even have to try!"  What I am saying is, there is a huge misconception of thin = healthy, fat = unhealthy.  I am thin and unhealthy and I have to open up about this.  For those that see me and think I have it all together and I must be super healthy in my eating and exercise regimen.  It's all an illusion.  And I am not proud of it.

I have been fit in the past.  Although, I have NEVER been marathon ready.  I would go to the gym and exercise.  It was not because I was trying to be healthy or feel good.  It was all to get thinner.  Period.  And, it was never enough.  I never got that rush that made me feel awesome when I worked out.  The only rush I got was from the scale.  It was hollow, short-lived and not fulfilling.  The only reason I go to the gym now is to take a yoga class.  I wish I liked working out.  I wish I liked to get out and run every morning.  I just don't.  I would rather take a nap than Zumba.  This is the reality for me and I am actually ashamed of it.  

What really got me thinking about this topic were two articles I came across last week.  One is called All Hail The Fathletes written by Ragen Chastain.  Ragen is blogger of Dances With Fat.  She wrote this piece about what it is like to be an athlete and a dancer while being large.  What attracted me initially to the story was the picture.  Here is a woman, much larger than myself , beautifully doing full on splits.  This is something I cannot do even as a slender woman.  She explains the prejudice she has to endure and the stigma associated with being large.  I thought about how unfair it was that because I am the size I am, it is assumed that I am fit.  I am not.  If I were forced to live off of stamina and physical fitness, I would die. 


The other piece is called This is not Your Typical Weight Loss Story written by  a woman who wants only to be known as "Susan".  This is a true account of what it is like to be a "fat anorexic".  This story was so touching and deep.  I teared up as I read it.  I could relate to her on some level.  I myself have never been emaciated.  I have never looked like one of those shocking pictures people think of when they hear the word anorexia.  Here is an eye-opener for many people:  Most people who struggle with eating disorders do not look like they have eating disorders.  Most are not ghastly waifs that look on the verge of death.  Most of us look "normal" or may actually be heavier.  That does not mean it is any less serious or painful.  Many people who die from their eating disorders do so while looking perfectly fine.

So, as healthy as I may look, let me tell you what I feel like on a daily basis.  I pretty much feel like crap a lot of the time.  I have no one to blame for this but myself.  When I am in my eating disorder I may look great as people have often told me but I feel terrible both physically and emotionally.  I don't follow my body's natural hunger and satiety cues.  I actually can't really tell what my body needs or wants after a while.  So, I won't eat until I go into hypoglycemic mode.  I will get dizzy, burning hot, irritable.  I get devastatingly sad.  I shake so bad I can hardly hold things.  I get so confused it feels like I am dreaming.  My limbs tingle.  By now my body is familiar with what I have done to it in the past.  My biology fights to survive.  This is not what it feels like to be healthy both in body and in mind.  This is not fit.

My conclusion to this blog is simple.  That fat man walking down the street might have just run a 5k the day before.  That skinny girl at the gym may be healthy or miserable in her skin.  As much as we think we know people's stories by looking at them the truth is, we don't.  Now you know a little of my story.  Things are not always what they seem.
 

 
 Food for Thought

Have you ever made judgements about yourself or others by looks alone?

What are your first thoughts when you see someone fat or someone thin?

Where do our judgements come from?  Biology?  Society?  Family?  Friends?  Media?



Live on!

-Kristy