This is EDNOS

I have to remind myself that this is a process and not a product.  While I am in recovery, I am not "recovered".  I no longer fall into the category of anorexia nervosa so I am classified as having EDNOS.  Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.  Eating disorders are sneaky as hell and even when I don't think I'm struggling, I just might be.  This is so disappointing for me.  How can I be support for others when I am needing it myself?  How can I talk the talk of hope when I am in a backslide?  Am I in a backslide?  If so, why?  Oh bloggity blog!

Last week I went to my  dietician (I'll just say "D") whom I have been seeing regularly for 2 1/2 years.  I was thinking, OK, where do we go from here?  Can we be done?  Maybe this is the best I will ever be and I'm alright with that.  I feel pretty good.  I have got everything under control.  After chatting we both quickly realized things were not as simple as I was telling myself they were.  After much talking, crying, and repeating my nervous laugh to stifle the tears, I left on a meal plan.  Again.  Only this time it is with the intention to gain weight.  A weight gain meal plan.  The first one I have been on since I was in the treatment hospital almost two years ago.  $#!%!  I was sad, surprised, embarrassed, scared, angry but mostly, tired.  

This is exhausting.

I already have a lot going on in my life and now I have got to put eating, recovery and gaining weight in the front of the line.  I just don't feel like it to be honest.  I mean, gaining weight?  On purpose?  Who wants to do that?!  In treatment I didn't feel like I had much of a choice.  Restore to a healthy weight, or stay there indefinitely.  I wanted out so I did what was required of me.  Out here, while I am not actively trying to lose weight, I am not trying not to lose weight either.  This pressure to gain and be accountable to myself has made my eating habits even worse.  I am just so tired of thinking about food!  What I am going to eat.  How much I am going to eat.  When I am going to eat.  Why I am going to eat.  Preparing food to eat.  Who will see me eat.  Shopping for food.  Am I eating appropriately.  It all makes me....well....not hungry.    

While my ED is screaming at me, I still fight.  I was not aware how present it still is. Everything D said, the asshole in my head had some retort.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  This awesome woman, who is a RD, CEDRD, CD and who has worked with over 600 people over the last 10+ years did not know as much as my Ed did.  Seriously ridiculous.  I go back to D tonight.  I haven't done shit with my meal plan.  I have not even bought the supplements I am supposed to be drinking.  I have done nothing.  I have turned apathetic.  I am just so tired of this work.