“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present."
-Cloud Atlas
I have been doing this blog for about a month now. I am also transferring the material to my Wordpress account: http://motheringme.wordpress.com/ So basically I am running two blogs. I know! Dang girl! I just want to reach as many people as possible and it is going really well! I am amazed at how many people are actually reading and commenting back to me. Unfortunately I have discovered if you want to comment on Blogger you have to have an account which many people do not have (another reason why I am also posting in Wordpress). People I never thought would want to read my blog, are! It goes out on Facebook and POOF! Everyone I know pretty much gets a copy of my diary. SCARY! Every time I hit the "Publish" button my heart races. Is this really a good idea? Do I really want everyone I know reading my stuff? Is this important? Relevant? I start second guessing myself intensely. Though the fear is overwhelming, (I can't even read something I wrote after I publish) the reaction is just as powerful.
Not only are my musings reaching people, but I feel so incredibly honored that people are sharing their own stories with me. My goal is not only to step past my own fear, try something new and challenge myself. I want to help people. So many others have helped me through my recovery process. My parents have always been open, kind, patient and involved. My in-laws have been so accepting and helped me pay for the incredible expense of treatment. Many of my friends have been so supportive of me. I got letters and cards while away in treatment. I have a treatment team who has stood by me and guided me through recovery. I have an amazing husband who has been with me literally in sickness and in health. I have let strangers into my life to teach me and take care of me when I could not do it on my own. With all of this being said, I am so very, very fortunate and thankful. I do not take any of it for granted. I feel it is my turn to be that support for others. I may not be able to do a lot of things, (those who know me know that I cannot bake a damn cake to save my life) but I am able to be a support and lend a helping hand to those who need one.
As I start this journey of advocacy I admit I am afraid. What if I don't know what to say? What if I say the wrong thing!? What if I don't know how to help someone? I do not have any special powers. Just because I have walked through this disease does not mean that I have all the answers. Strategies and coping mechanisms that worked for me might not necessarily work for others. I do not know the magical combination of words to say to cure someone. I don't believe anyone has this power. I do know that I can be a non-judgmental listener. I have been where many people have been. I have felt the shame, the fear, the guilt, the emptiness, the fullness. Nothing is shocking to me in this disease anymore. I am trustworthy and honest. These things I have learned about myself through this recovery.
When I reflect on this Mothering Me project I think about how much things have changed in the last month. I am making specific time for myself in this hectic life I live. I am writing and jotting things down on a daily basis. I am exploring similar blogs and reminding myself that I am not alone. I am opening my mind and using it differently. I am drawing and actually sharing my art. Ultimately, I am sharing myself. It's terrifying, and yet so healing. I feel even more inspired! In spite of my fear of hitting that daunting "publish" button, I think I will keep going. Please feel free to share your thoughts on either of my blogs. I am loving the feedback.
Live on!
-Kristy
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