Glorious Disconnect

I stood in front of the surrounding mirrors.  I washed my hands, checked my hair, my teeth (no green leaves hanging out between my pearly whites?  Check!  Anything in my nose besides my nose ring? Check!  Then I caught a glimpse of something I rarely see.  The back of me.  I suddenly felt like I was looking at a different person.  I was disconnected.  I saw my shoulders, my neck, the back of my head.  Now of course I have seen the back of myself before but this time it was different. The usual check points I am used to seeing were not in focus.  For a few moments I wasn't dissecting myself; that scar on my cheek, the pimples of the week, my chin that I hate, which eyebrow hairs had to be eradicated, all the body bits I criticize.  It all vanished for a good minute or so.  I don't consider myself to be vain, just a regular American woman.

How many of you have seen the new campaign Dove Real Beauty Sketches?  I do not want to advertise their "product".  I don't regularly buy their merchandise.  However, I have to admit their ad really got me thinking (nice job advertising agency).  What if the way I see myself, every day, really isn't accurate?  Now I know I have struggled with some body dysmorphia issues.  Many people with eating disorders do.  But the scope of how differently women (and maybe men too) see themselves from what is accurate really struck a chord with me.  When did this warped image come into play?  Not only for me personally but for others and society as a whole?  As I stood in front of those mirrors, I had the rare alternate view of myself.  I was able to look at the back of me and say to myself, "There is a woman." and nothing more.  No judgements, no criticism, no feedback from the part of my brain that likes to pick at me.  I assume that if I stood there longer than a minute that part of my brain would have jumped in with some unwanted comments.  But in that brief moment, I was free.  I'll take it!  I hope it happens again.

These thoughts had me considering the even bigger picture.  What if not only my physical perception of myself was inaccurate but my entire idea of myself.  What if I am really not all the negative things my brain tells me I am?  What if I started believing that others might have a more subjective opinion than I do?  Dear God!  This is hopeful!  Now I know Kristy B is not every one's cup of tea.  My point is not to make everyone like me or tell me how awesome I am.  This pondering just has me thinking that maybe I can let some of my negativity about myself go, and maybe see things through different eyes.  As much as I am able to anyway.  I will keep trying this and agree that it is much easier said than done.  I believe for myself, seeing my image from a different angle in that mirror was a great way to start.

Here's some food for thought:

Does our negative talk serve us in some way?

When did you notice self critical thoughts in your life?

Is there anyway you are able to look at yourself from a disconnected point of view? 


Live on!

-Kristy

The Basics...

Alright, let's start with some basics.  My name is Kristy.  I am 35 years old.  I have a 9 year old son and a 6 year old daughter and I have been married for 16 years.  OK, I know you're doing the math.  35 minus 16 equals 19.  Married at 19?!  I know, it's a little strange in this day and age to marry so young but it worked for us.  I have always lived in Washington State and now live in a small community north of Seattle.  I freakin' LOVE animals.  I enjoy a good yoga practice.  I try to get outside whenever I can.  I have an awesome extended family on both my side and my husband's.  I currently work full time, (although I don't know how long that will last) volunteer at three different locations and generally keep very busy.  Life is moving fast.   Maybe a little too fast.  In my attempt to keep myself grounded and connected to who I am and who I want to be, I have decided to start this blog.  I am a very open person and also quite opinionated so the web is a perfect place for me to express myself.

If you know me personally, you most likely know I have struggled with an eating disorder for a large part of my life.  I am very open about it and do not try to hide it now.  I have struggled with both purging type and non-purging type anorexia nervosa for many years.  I have also been in treatment for what seems like forever and continue my journey towards wellness.  My blog, Mothering Me was created as a therapeutic outlet.  As I explained in my previous post, my site is about self discovery, self acceptance, recovery, love, life and the like.  Why would I want to write about these topics you might ask?  Well, because I think I am finally figuring it all out!  No, I haven't discovered the meaning of life or the purpose of our existence or any of that.  But I am learning about what makes me, and maybe others, tick!  As I get deeper into my recovery, I am beginning to notice and accept things I hadn't before and I want to share.

I am generally a pretty in touch person (with the exception of when I am in an eating disorder pattern).  I tend to see things deeply.  Daydream.  I notice things.  I am always watching and wondering about the people and environments around me.  This is not always the best habit especially when I read things incorrectly or others read me incorrectly.  What I have often considered a "problem" can really be a gift.  I just have to learn how to accept this oddity in myself and cultivate it rather than think of it as an obstacle or something to conquer.  This gift has always made me a very deep feeler.  My emotions are an open book and right on the surface.  Is this a problem?  It has been.  But who can really say?  Is it wrong to be a person who feels and thinks deeply?  Our society is often uncomfortable with people who are open about feelings.  Hey sometimes I make myself uncomfortable!  But there are others like me and others that are not.  And it's all OK.  I can be who I am and others can either accept this or not.  There is room for two (or more).  So this is why I blog; to help me accept myself as I am and to help others learn how to accept themselves as they are.

Here's some food for thought:

What are you learning to accept in yourself?

How are you seeing your setbacks as possible gifts?

What outlets do you use to center or ground yourself in your truth?


Live on!

-Kristy

Here I Grow!

Well here it is.   A blank, white, empty computer screen.  My blog name at the top:  Mothering Me.  I named it after the Story of Hope I wrote for NEDA (which I will post at a later date).  I have been considering blogging for months, but my fear has kept me from trying something new as it has so many times before.  What if I'm not good, smart, funny, interesting, sexy, witty enough?  What if my high school English teacher reads this and finds errors?  What if I *gasp* offend someone?!  After much consideration and battles in my head, I am finally deciding to give it a go.  Take THAT self conscious bit of brain!  I have decided that even though I am afraid, I am going to step forward.  I don't consider myself to be writer really.  I am an atrocious speller (yep, spell check just caught that one).  I have no fancy degrees.  I am no expert at anything.  I know a bit of this, and a bit of that.  I learn new things every day.  And, I am OK with this.  It has been a work in progress accepting me just he way I am.  So that is what this little blog is about.  Self acceptance, self love, growth, recovery, relationships, thoughts and FEELINGS (oh yes, there will be a lot of those flying around).  I am learning who I am as human being on this crazy planet.  At 35, I am learning to love life and accept imperfections in myself as well as others.  I am parenting two cool kids and also learning how to be a mother to myself at the same time.  I am discovering not only myself, but the world around me.  I see everyone I know discovering themselves too.  I have come to the conclusion that being a human in this world is...well...weird, scary, messy, awesome, beautiful, and a gift.  We are equal in our humanity and I love that about us!  So here I go a-blogging!  Feel free to poke around and leave me your thoughts, comments, FEELINGS (there's that word again).  Anything you like!  I am doing this now, and I am ready! 

-Kristy